Wednesday, June 26, 2013

single again

i was single again and feeling bruised by the experience. to keep myself from wallowing, i packed up and moved to a new city. it seemed quaint like certain small towns in switzerland except everyone spoke english (even the little old ladies) so i knew it was some hidden treasure in the u.s. no, it was too charming- i think it was nelson, b.c.. you could walk the whole town in an hour and it was so picturesque that i did it several times a day. it wasn't long before i was saying hello to familiar faces. i decided not to think about my sadness and just concentrate on making a little 'happy' every day. i was staying in a b&b that for some reason was full of locals (who were all eager to show me around and share chatty meals). all the women were sweet and fun, all the men were chill and normal- except for dick. he was so desperate to find a girlfriend that he was sticky with need. he wasn't a bad guy, but i knew right away that any conversation would turn into obsession so i kept my distance. the younger women were not so careful. they felt sorry for him and would interact simply not to' be mean'. as a consequence, he was constantly 'falling in love' with them. none of it was creepy or harmful and just resulted in a lot of good natured eye rolling and elaborate avoidance strategies. i remember thinking that i was finished with falling in love and decided i would find myself a little house, plant a garden, get a dog and start painting again.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013


crewing with people i knew and assumed were friends. all of the sudden, i was dropped and realized there was an intricate chess game going on regarding who was 'in' and who was 'out'. though everyone was still smiling, friendly and behaving normally i had been moved to the 'out' list for no reason i could identify. i didn't think much of it because it was raining and i was actually glad to be packing up my stuff and heading out. i still had to send about 1000 dollars to set for some purchase. since i was leaving i divided the $ up and handed it to a PA with specific instructions regarding it's delivery. the supervisor made some snide comment regarding my lack of protocol and at 1st i thought she was joking. when i looked into her eyes i knew she was not. i asked her if there had been some 'rule change' regarding the trustworthiness of PA's and she just clicked her tongue judgmentally and mumbled something that sounded like an affirmation that my departure was the right thing. i felt like i was in a foreign country and had just unknowingly sparked a shitstorm because i'd pronounced 'hello' in a way that sounded like, 'your mother sucks donkey dick'. i thought about how a fucking monkey could do my job and i entertained scenarios of kicking the supervisor in the teeth before i left. i taped the money onto the hand of the confused PA in dramatic loops and slammed the door on my way out.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

venus de milo

i was venus de milo but i wanted my arms back . there was a man who proffered advice on how best to proceed but i grew frustrated with his words and responded to him harshly. i looked at my dusty stumps and felt the stiffness of the fabric covering my legs and longed only to be free of my eternal position and wrap my pink, living fingers around a glass of fine, deep red wine. i wanted to walk and laugh and pull my golden locks down from the matronly crown that topped my head. i wanted to see the life beating beneath my skin. i wanted to laugh again. i wanted to be whole and alive.

Monday, June 17, 2013

miniature leonardo

his studio was small silver shack on an outcropping, tiny really. i stood on the rocky shore and wondered how he expected us to cross without getting drenched. 'it's easy', he said, 'follow me'. i then mirrored his footsteps as we made our way and found purchase on nearly invisible rocks just barely breaking the surface of the turbulent water. a small yellow dog accompanied us and the man must have caught my worried expression as i looked at the dog because he said, 'don't be concerned about him, he knows the way.'. the wind was blowing fiercely and the air was full of sea spray but the little dog stepped as confidently and securely as a mountain goat. as we drew nearer i could see the waves licking the sides of his cabin and i was sure it would be a flooded, musty mess. once we were inside, i was surprised that as soon as he closed the door it was dry, quiet and warm as toast. 'i'm leaving soon' he said, 'this doesn't have much longer before it's under water.' we then spent some time talking about my portrait as i browsed some of his finished work. the dog found his favorite spot near the little stove and laid down to warm himself. i watched the man as he talked. his frame was small, but he was well muscled and fit, a little bantam rooster with a long grey beard and almost a full head of hair. i remember thinking he looked like a miniature Leonardo. i was grateful he was going to paint me but worried he would have to do it submerged. 'let's go back now.' he said. he buttoned up the cabin and i followed him back to his apartment. even though the street was sheltered, the cobblestones were wet. we snaked our way up some ancient stone stairs and finally reached his apartment. his housemate had already packed up the majority of it's contents. the man then began to run down his itinerary; lots of switching modes of transport and crossing boarders. i looked at the dog again. 'don't worry', he said, my neighbor alphonso will keep him safe until we come back to get him. i remember feeling relieved that i would not have to adopt the little yellow dog.

Saturday, June 15, 2013


spiders of fire crawling secretly inside a wall until they burst into uncontrollable flame. the firemen were quick to respond but it was too late to save the structure. oxygen masks, fire proof clothing... the men were sweating under their protective gear. i could hear the breathing apparatus as though i was a fireman- except it was quiet like when you are diving under the sea. i was thinking of the sea and how cool and quiet it was compared to this burning chaos. for some reason i took my glove off and touched a piece of blackened wood. it singed my fingers and i drew back in surprise- which was odd because i knew it would be too hot to touch.

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

pilot season

i was up for 3 pilots. one was about gardening, one was about singing and one was about committing arson without getting caught. i was just finishing up the arson pilot and had come up with a brilliant plan involving a goldfish bowl, crispy dry vintage posters and the sun pouring into an attic window when i got a callback on the gardening show. as soon as the sunbeams concentrated on the paper i ran over to the gardening show and found they had already decided to cast me and camera was about to roll. it was a team competition but no one else had ever gardened before so i took charge and started delegating mulching etc. we had a 12 foot sq. bed and had to plant for maximum crop yield and complementary plant placement. i was the only one out of the 3 groups that knew to plant the geraniums as a pest deterrent and almost as soon as i poked my finger in the soil to plant the nearly invisible carrot seeds, they germinated and grew to pinky size. we won the episode to go on another week. i was like, 'what?....'. just as they were wrapping i got a text that said my house had burned down and they couldn't figure out why. 'ha!' i said out loud. i got another text that said to head over to fox asap for the singing show. again when i got there, i had already been cast. i walked on to the stage and bing crosby was the star host and was singing 'white christmas' LIVE. i was floored with excitement and pleasure. i couldn't take my ears or eyes off of him and so was led like a grinning idiot to my mark with my team. the task was a singing a fresh yet faithful rendition of a classic x-mas song. my team got 'winter wonderland'. there were 6 people on my team and they had already chosen gillian anderson to sing because she was a television star. her voice was nice but she didn't really seem interested. i listened to her rehearse and thought the song was too far from the original in spirit and tempo but i decided not to say anything since i had come on board last. we broke for lunch and 10 minutes before we were supposed to come back the team was told gillian had left the lot and was on a flight back to new york. my whole team was freaking out because they were about to shoot the competition segment and none of them wanted to take her place for fear of failing so they elected me. they didn't know i could sing. i love 'winter wonderland' but was unsure of a couple lyrics. i kept asking for a quick look at them but no one seemed to have them. sataro was on my team and he was really making an effort to help me out but couldn't find the lyrics either. i listened to the track a couple of times and came up with a nice little spin that was not too far from the original and when it came my turn i just went for it. even though i forgot a few words, my version was joyful and rockin'. bing loved it and my team won. i was super happy because i'd had such a fun day, but i couldn't figure out how i was going to manage to do all 3 shows.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013


i pushed him and asked him why he was lying. he pretended he did not understand the context of my question. 

Sunday, June 9, 2013

rising water

all over the globe the ice was melting. the sea levels around the world were destroying property and taking lives so there was really no help from any governing authority. everyone was on their own. there were children with me, but i don't know who they belonged to. i kept calm and tried to comfort them, but in the end i knew we were about to become wet refugees just like everyone else. before we left the sinking house, a stray dog came in and was whining and searching frantically. clearly she'd just had pups, but everything had shifted so dramatically, she could no longer find them. i watched her pace in distress in front of a particular area that was now just a jumble of debris. i began to move the fallen pieces of wall and timber and miraculously found the writhing newborn pups all dry and alive. i took the nest and placed it in a rubbermaid bin on top of some dry towels and the mom jumped gratefully in and settled around them. 'at least it floats...' i thought and begrudgingly accepted that i was now the accidental shepherd of the children and the dogs. i worked to put together a raft/shelter that would keep everyone alive and reasonably dry until we ended up who knows where... i gathered what essentials i could and added them to the raft. i then came upon a nest of baby birds. they were so frail and new i thought there was just not going to be any way to change their fate. at that moment their mother flew happily to the newly uncovered nest and just sat right down on them as i held it in my hands. even though i was in the middle of a disaster i was amused at the thought that i was now an atheist (and reluctant...) noah.

as i rounded up the children and settled them into the part of the raft with the shelter (along with the dogs and birds...), i looked down and saw a split image photo of a small boy in a blue shirt and next to it a picture of the boy as a man in the same shirt. i wondered what had happened to him.

Friday, June 7, 2013


todd had always been a wanker, but he was physically beautiful so of course when i was young i had overlooked the wanker aspect of him and after an aggressive and ego-boosting pursuit finally let him be my boyfriend. he was also talentless and stupid (which everyone knew...) so it was also embarrassing when my smart, talented friends found out that i was actually fucking him. nevertheless, i became attached to him and his fawning ways and when he suddenly broke up with me i was devastated. i later found out he had left me for a short fling with cheryl crow. so i was cast-off and bridled with the bitter residue of having been willingly used by an obvious idiot who was a star-fucker as well. anyway, over time i grew to hate him.

fast forward to japan. it was a meet and greet with fans as well as an opportunity to pitch projects to investors. massively colorful, crowded and exciting. JJ was there and we were so surprised and happy to see one another that it just made the whole event perfect- until todd walked in. todd had heard the buzz about my project and true to his character had come to see if he could let bygones be bygones and hitch his wagon to my star once again. JJ had left to find his husband, so i was facing todd and his current girlfriend by myself. todd stood directly in front of his girlfriend almost completely obscuring her from my view, but i caught her confused, hurt expression and moved him to the side to smile at her warmly. todd grilled me about JJ (who he thought i was with) and i let him think my handsome, very married gay friend was my paramour just to fuck with him. 'oh, so i hear JJ came to your rescue in LA...' todd fished. 'oh yes, he did!' i laughed and smiled at his girlfriend again. 'so, um, what have you been up to? i hear you're doing great.' he said. i feigned distraction. 'i'm sorry, what? oh yeah, it's been fun. I really love your shoes.' i said to his girlfriend. i let him dangle awkwardly for several agonizing minutes until i spotted JJ and his husband. 'okay,' i said, 'gotta go!' as i squeezed past him, i paused to whisper in his girlfriends ear, 'this guy is a user, ditch him!' we smiled at one another and shared a wink. after that i saw todd wandering the convention alone.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

like gold

flax, cotton, silk and honey blended into a rare fiber and woven into a luxurious and priceless cloth. there were guards posted at my door while i worked. people were directed to whisper. sometimes i could feel eyes trying to catch glimpse of fabric falling from the far end of my loom. everyone waited anxiously for me to finish, but it was a careful and time consuming process that could not be rushed. i felt peaceful.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

two kangaroos

there were two kangaroos and whenever the one gave the other one 'scritches', she fell helpless completely into a trance of bliss. since her arms were short, she especially like it when he reached certain spots on her back.