Wednesday, February 27, 2013

lunch prep


i was watching lunch preparation for about a thousand kids at a camp. i kept noticing poor sanitary practices. at first i was just thinking, 'well i guess i'm not eating while i'm visiting this camp...', but then the appalling nature of what was happening was too much and i had to say something. i got the camp director and we stood a small distance away and watched for awhile while big globs of hamburger and other stuff were being dropped on the floor and then scooped up and put right back into the prep line. i felt like vomiting. the director and i walked up to the head prep guy to confront him and as we approached he said, 'i knew you was watchin' me, i knew you was watchin' me...come over here. this ain't about unsanitary, this is about zero food waste!' the director and i looked at each other like, is this guy high? the prep guy then directed our attention to a giant stainless steel box. it had a big mouth into which the workers were scraping and dumping all the half eaten cafeteria plates mixed in with inedible garbage. on the other end of the box perfectly wrapped segmented gold foil bars were coming out the back end and stacking neatly. all the bars had a slight variation in the gold tone of their wrappers. the prep guy holds up a chart and compared one of the bars matching it exactly. 'see?' he said holding a bar to it's corresponding color on the chart, 'this one means it's chocolate and caramel ~ open it!' we opened it and indeed it was a slightly imperfect but otherwise seemingly edible bar- which i tasted. then he said, 'open more!' as we opened more bars, at first i thought, 'wow, this guy is a genius, food waste is such a huge problem- this will change the world!'. and then as we kept opening, i started to notice hairs and computer pieces mixed in with the food. 'this is not edible' i said. 'ooh... just brush that off'!'  he answered. i started looking closer at his machine and realized there was nothing inside to actually separate or sterilize anything once it got thrown in. i started feeling sick that i had tasted the candy bar.

goffins cockatoo


there was a white goffins cockatoo who kept swearing and whistling for my attention. every time i opened up his cage and put him on the back of the sofa, he would shake and say, 'i'm scared, i'm scared' until i picked him up and put him back in his cage. the second i did he would start swearing and ask to come out again.

Monday, February 25, 2013

roseanne barr


roseanne barr was wildly miscast as a high school ingenue in a winter break ski movie. even the dailies of her skiing were obviously edited to try and hide the fact that she was moving like a grandmother. it was all unintentionally laughable. the story line was about the rivalry of the two most popular 17 year old boys vying for her hand. a very annette funicello and frankie avalon sort of plot line. i kept thinking, 'wow, they just make anything up and throw money behind it...'. roseanne kept doing take after take trying not to wobble from her arthritis as she got off the ski lift and passed the camera. every time the camera rolled she looked like she was genuinely having fun.i thought, 'well, that's the good part...'

Thursday, February 21, 2013

amway


my girlfriend had moved to miami and invited me down for an extended stay. her place was right by the beach and really was a find- almost 2000 square feet in a nice building. she seemed to be doing so well and had all these projects going on. she was running in and out constantly and trying to get me on board with her money making projects but they all seemed like some version of amway to me and no matter how hard i tried to ignite my interest, i just couldn't do it. her boyfriend lived with her and at first i thought they were on the same page, but it soon became apparent to me that he was a user and a scammer. i was trying to figure out her exercise equipment, but it was all counter intuitive and i kept jamming the electronics. i finally realized that there was actually no way to work out in the way she had said she was and tried to figure out if she was on drugs or consciously lying to me. meanwhile, it was becoming more and more obvious that her boyfriend was shady and i finally felt i had no choice but to say something to her. 'oh, really?' she said absently. 'i don't think so...'. and then she said she had another amway thing to go to. after that i understood that whatever was going on, she was either doing it too or or wanted to remain ignorant. i thanked her for the stay, air-kissed and packed up and left.

annie leibovitz


i was in annie leibovitz children's room about to be photographed for the annual 2 page cover of vanity fair with sting, johnny depp, bett midler, janeane garofalo, dustin hoffmann and keira knightley. i'd spent the morning in hair and make-up and was wearing a magnificent satin vintage valentino gown. i felt beautiful. i heard kiera say, 'don't some people ever think about skipping a meal once in a while?' as i passed her and my confidence just deflated. annie heard it too and gave me a sympathetic look. the shot was centered around an amazingly detailed neon train that ran around an oval track that annie had made for her children a couple of christmases before. as all the 'stars' positioned themselves around and inside the track, i could hear keira still whispering shit about me and was now complaining that i wasn't famous enough to be photographed with the rest of them. suddenly, no matter how i tried to squeeze in, someone was either sticking out an elbow or fluffing up their costumes to cover me. i began to feel intimidated and just kind of backed away. soon all the stars were acting like the popular mean kids in high school and hamming it up with inside jokes and arranging themselves so they were always in groups that did not include me. annie popped about a hundred photographs and then said okay, let's take a break. as everyone filed out wearing smug smiles, she held my elbow and motioned her assistants to stay. soon i was in the middle of the track positioned upon a cloud of magnificent, hand made stuffed animals. annie turned her monitor to face me and showed me the results immediately after she had directed me to move in a particular way so that i could understand exactly what she was asking of me. the images were magical and lovely. annie said, 'okay, great job. you're done. you'll be in the foldout solo.' i smiled wide and thanked her.

as i was riding home in the car, i thought it was lucky for me that annie pulled for the underdogs.

hijab


i lived in Saudi Arabia with my extended family. i walked into a room and discovered one of my 14 year old distant cousins finishing the rape of my 6 year old niece. my niece was so injured that she had gone into shock. there was blood mixed with semen pooling between her legs. i fell upon the boy and shoved him away with all my might. he landed on the floor with a hard thump but did not really seem to take note of it. i kept saying what have you done? he looked at me with his dark green eyes and said he didn't know what i was talking about. his expression was without remorse. his conviction (repeated many times over the next several weeks) was that because the opportunity had presented itself he had done nothing wrong. someone should have been watching the girl. over the course of the next few weeks i fought bitterly with my family on behalf of my young niece and threatened to go to the authorities. everyone begged me not to go as it would be a serious mark against the girl and an unwanted amount of attention on the boy. i was trapped in a family, in a culture, in a country that did not recognize the inherent right of women to their own safety and i lived with a mute jagged rage inside of me.

after many weeks, the fathers of both children were ready to allow me to know the terms of their negotiations. both the niece and i would be given a sum of money (less than $2000 USD) in exchange for continued silence about the incident (as it was now referred to). there would be no sanctions against the boy as they assured me his heart was full of remorse and he was too young to have such a serious allegation hanging over his head. both men suggested that all the females of the family be watched more carefully and start wearing hijab from infancy in order to prevent anything like this happening again. i felt like i was on fire. i stormed out of the room and slammed the door behind me. i came face to face with the boy. he was smiling and said to me, 'this is your fault'. i demanded he explain himself. 'if you had just kept your mouth shut, everything would have been fine. you're getting your money, so this better be the last word i hear from you.' i saw in his eyes that he was thinking of me dead.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Ken Kesey & The Merry Pranksters



Ken Kesey & The Merry Pranksters were living in a retirement village outside of San Francisco. No one thought much of Ken anymore and The Merry Pranksters were all trying to use the internet to market their individual Prankster 'characters' memorabilia to (mainly) Burning Man devotees. This had limited success as they were all advanced seniors and could not consistently figure out things like sending simple emails. Ken Kesey still had 'the bus' and was actually sitting in it when I met him. He was fuming because he had wanted surf & turf for dinner but his wife wanted Chinese take-out to eat in front of the TV. It was about 4 in the afternoon. As I sat in the passenger seat of the bus, Ken looked forlornly out the windshield at all the elderly Pranksters (many using 'bedazzled' walkers and Hover-rounds...). He said, 'This is shit.' I told him I had to agree that it was. As we watched, Abbie Hoffman made his way through the crowd to a slightly elevated  podium. He was wearing a short sleeve polyester grandpa version of his infamous flag shirt and saying, 'People... people..' into a white blow-horn. The Pranksters largely ignored him, but a few blew him raspberries and told him to go sit down. 'Ugh, this asshole...' said Kesey nodding toward Hoffman, 'simply will not fucking quit.' 'Hey,' I said, 'wanna go to surf & turf?' Kesey instantly brightened, 'Really?. 'Yeah, I'm starving- I haven't had lunch yet.', I lied. Kesey happily excused himself to let his wife know he would bring her back Chinese and left me in the bus. As I waited, an old woman kept beckoning for me to come out. I opened the door of the bus and walked toward her. Her smile was manic and her dentures kept slipping down. 'I'm Lorraine!' she said as if it should trigger my recognition. 'Who?' I asked. 'Lorraine. LOR-RAINE!' she said loudly and shook a stack of 8x10 faded color photographs of a 20-something woman wearing hippie drag and riding a unicycle. I looked from the image in the photo back to Lorraine. Indeed, they were wearing vaguely similar outfits. 'Do you want one, honey? Only 10 bucks!' Lorraine said as she shoved the trembling stack of photos near my face. 'Uh...no...thanks anyway.' I answered. 'FUCK YOU!' shouted Lorraine. 'AND FUCK BURNING MAN, TOO!'

Just then, Kesey returned. I drove him to dinner and then after we stopped at a road-side carnival so we could take a go at the roller coaster. As the coaster started it's clacking ascent, Kesey looked at me and said, 'Please don't take me back there...'.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

matt damon as a child


i was 8 year old matt damon, i was working on my first film and i was killing it. marlee matlin was there as a reporter (except she was also helen reddy) and she was asking me questions through her translator for her weekly article in the Times. all of my answers reflected a deep understanding of film making and a seemingly boundless (yet focused) enthusiasm for the project. the studio heads were watching me from a distance and beaming klieg lights of satisfaction. dollar signs floated above thier heads like helium balloons. as i spoke i became mildly aware that several of my adult costars seemed to be growing morose. marlee/helen was smiling widely and trying to lasso a few comments from them but every one demurred and wandered further away from where i was being interviewed. i kept asking everyone when we were starting the next scene. the crew guys kept making eye contact with each other and patting my head as they passed. pretty soon i felt done with the interview and excused myself. i kept trying to figure out why the rest of the day didn't seem fun anymore.

Friday, February 15, 2013

crispy chicken strips


there were two crispy chicken strips. one wanted to go for a walk.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

the riviera


she was on the riviera, he had followed her that far. the hour was late, but she could feel that he hadn't slowed his pace and was only a few heartbeats behind. he was so huge, she knew he could kill her with very little effort- probably no sound- but in her heart, she knew he was too cruel to let her go silently. she begged the driver to leave her off and not say a word. the hotel was right by the sea and under any other circumstance it would have been beautiful. the nearly full moon reflected on the water and outlined the hand carved stone of the hotel like a postcard from the past. the wooden shutters had been shut tight and it looked as though everyone had turned in for the night. even so, she paid the taxi, wrestled her bag from the seat and headed for the unlit doorway. she took the heavy iron ring in both hands and banged with all her might. almost immediately the door was opened by a neatly dressed, round bellied man. he had a kind smile and wore a small waxed mustache that made her think of inspector poirot. she trusted him immediately. the lobby was warm and inviting. the desk clerk gestured to have her bag carried and somehow she remembered enough french to tell them her story. before she could finish, the clerk waved her off and said france was quite accustomed to lovers miseries. he would place her in madame's old room because there was a secret compartment within and madame had never been discovered by any lover there. she would be safe. for the first time in days, her brow smoothed just a little.

the clerk brought her to the room and showed her the hatch. she pressed it and a hidden door popped and opened into a beautiful little room in the center of which a bed was made with white linen sheets and a deep down comforter. 'madame said we should always keep it ready.' said 'poirot' with a wink. 'pardon, i'll get your bag now.' as the clerk made his exit, she found herself crawling into the bed. she latched the door behind her and marveled at her invisibility.

she didn't know she had fallen asleep until she woke to a thundering bang. screaming. doors being kicked open and the sound of heavy boots. someone was being dragged from room to room. 'let's find her, shall we?' it was his voice. she froze. she could hear the sweet clerk trying to mumble through gargling blood and broken teeth. she wanted to save him, but she knew that even if she revealed herself, they would simply both die. room by room her predator drew closer until he was standing in the center of her room. separated by the thinnest membrane of wall paper and wood, she saw him quite clearly through the camouflaged peepholes standing no more than 3 feet away. he scented the air like dog. 'getting close, eh?'. he laughed at the clerk as though he were in on the joke, but the clerk had lost consciousness. 'all right, onward, upward!' the monster dragged the clerk out of the room and continued kicking doors open all the way down the hall. when she heard them thumping up the stairs, she knew she had to make her break.

she slipped out of the hiding space and quietly clicked it shut. she waited a moment to see if she'd been heard, she then made her way like a cat back to the lobby. she saw her bag sitting right in front of the desk. poor poirot- he didn't have a chance. she melted out the open door into the night and ran as fast as an animal until she hit the end of the road. by pure chance, a taxi was driving by. she flagged him down and sunk into the backseat deep below the window.

she was safe again- but only for now.


Monday, February 11, 2013

new york



a friend of mine lived in a loft in new york. we had all been pub crawling for a few nights and having a great time. it was late afternoon and she decided to show me around. her space was amazing. she had huge, beautiful art pieces everywhere that just seemed to speak my name. as we talked, it became apparent that she was on the verge of letting all of it go- including the space. i couldn't believe my luck as i had been on the hunt for the right place to land. we negotiated for the rest of the afternoon and pretty soon the deal was set. i kept feeling surprised because prior to this moment, every time i had visited or lived in new york i had hated it.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

thailand


we had all traveled to thailand and were eating our way through the country. the intensity and purity of the flavors was almost overwhelming. everything was delicious and we were starting to feel a little cocky because everything had been so perfect. we were making our way through a local market renowned for it's incredible street food when my chinese friend, chu, decided to break the monotony of too much fun by putting his head in a beer glass. the thing is, it was a regular sized beer glass and it fit over his head exactly. chu was a very tall, thin man and the effect was comical and disturbing. when i asked him if he could get it off he said no. 'how are you going to eat then?' he said he was tired of eating and he only wanted to breathe.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

sometimes it's just rust....

 Photo; Shandra Beri
 Photo;Shandra Beri
  Photo;Shandra Beri
  Photo;Shandra Beri

nothing going on but the slow inevitable march toward the crumbling oxidation left in the footsteps of the passage of time. it doesn't make me sad though. i actually find it lovely that it finds a way to retain what it once was and has the courtesy to leave this transient beauty on the way back to it's basic elements.. 

i hope it's like that for me. just a march toward the separation of all of my chemical bits and pieces, left to feed ants or birds or desiccate into mineral deposits...whatever...dust is even okay with me.

Friday, February 1, 2013

pink

he was frustrated that the ground was pink. i told him, 'well, go ahead and dig then if you think it's an illusion.' i had seen the aerial view so i knew it was striated with cream. i didn't understand why it was so important for him to prove his point when, if we just walked a bit farther it would be cream again. i guess i felt irritated by the whole thing. i said, 'well, it's not something that even matters to me one way or another, but there's the shovel, have at it. dig however long you need to feel satisfied.' he walked over to the shovel, which was actually much further away than it seemed. it took him about 10 minutes to return. i didn't say anything else to him but i was thinking he was just wasting the day by being stubborn. when he came back with the shovel, i noticed his face had already begun to sweat from the heat. he started to dig not far from me even though it was not the ideal spot for his excavation. i knew he wanted me to feel the effort he was putting into it- but i didn't care. i walked to the top of a nearby rise where i could get an uninterrupted view of the ocean. soon the repetitive chinking sound of his shovel was obscured by the rhythmic crashing of the surf.

it was just beautiful, plain and simple. the fact that he needed to turn it into difficult work mattered less and less to me as i calmed from the pink of the sand and the blue of the sea.