Thursday, March 27, 2014

howard and beth

beth was very insecure, so since the moment she had married howard he and i had not really been able to hang out without her hovering presence. howard and i missed our friendship though and had just decided to make plans on the down low anyway to catch a film and late lunch. we met at the theater were grinning widely when we spotted each other and immediately started cracking jokes until we were both laughing to the point of tears. we saw the grand budapest hotel which just put us in an even better mood and were standing in the outer lobby trying to decide where we were going to eat when we heard beth screaming from the far end of the lobby. 'I KNOW YOU'RE HERE HOWARD! I KNOW YOU'RE HERE!!' howard looked at me with horror and confusion. in an instant, beth was upon us, 'AHA! I HAVE PEOPLE EVERYWHERE, HOWARD, E.V.E.R.Y.W.H.E.R.E!' beth looked accusingly at me, 'PEOPLE TOLD ME HE WAS HERE WITH A BLOND MODEL!' i smiled and thought,' i guess the price of my camel hair coat was worth it after all...'. howard said, 'in all fairness, shandra, you do look good.' which made us laugh hysterically and made beth even more furious. i excused myself and left howard to sort through his unnecessary tangle.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

beautiful wound


she had found the perfect weight of silk satin for her dress. it was now a matter of choosing the color that best complimented the colors in the large open wound on her side. i helped her hold each garment onto her body as she looked at her reflection in the full length mirror and tilted her head this way and that. 'does it hurt?' i wondered aloud. 'not anymore...' she said quietly, 'now it's like a map of my strength.' my eyes traveled over the topography of the wound and its living palate of color and texture. the yellow pearls of subcutaneous fat poking through here and there made the deep purples and reds of her raw flesh look quite beautiful. i marveled at the resilience of the human body and felt one more tether of certainty drop loose as i accepted the strangeness of her survival.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

popsicle sticks and jesus


the child was holding a lopsided crucifix made out of two popsicle sticks held together with too much white glue. i could see that the join was still milky and wondered how long he could clutch it in his little fist before it fell apart. his mother grasped a crucifix made out of unfinished 2x4's held together with too many screws and bent nails. she had tried to mask the sloppy intersection by winding raffia around it, but even that was done badly and the effect was total 'regretsy'. she stood in the center of the empty plaza screaming out hellfire and brimstone to no one but her invisible master. the sweet little boy was not acknowledged by his mother but stood obediently beside her and wore a smile on his face. he seemed proud to be holding his project. i stood and watched her for a long while. the depth of her fury seemed endless and sometimes the sun would illuminate the spray of saliva she spewed when she pounded out her consonants. i wondered how people could miss the point so completely that they were willing to squander their few years of existence in a perpetual state of fear and anger. i also wondered how long it would take the the woman to fully erode all the innate happiness inside of the little boy.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

drunk dog


i knew an irish dog who was always losing his car after he came out of the pub. he would wander around insisting that someone had moved it when everyone knew it was only his beers that were actually hiding the car. sometimes we would watch him walk right past it while searching. we knew from experience that he would not recognize the car unless he found it himself so we never pointed it out. every time he found it he would fret over all the old dents and scratches as though he was seeing them for the first time. we laughed at him (but never with malice). usually another dog would come along and talk him out of his keys and they would trot home together stopping every few feet to sniff the air and listen for the distant howl of other dogs which they would then lift up their chins and answer in unison.

Monday, March 17, 2014

false choices


everyone was tense and just on the edge of exploding into anger. there was an historic 3rd term presidential race between bush and obama. both sides emphatically declared the The Future Of The World Depended Upon This Election! TV's and radios blasted nothing but updates on this 'news'. total strangers demanded that each reveal which 'side' they were voting for. if the 'right' answer wasn't given, fists followed. i kept thinking to myself, 'people can't really be this stupid, can they?'. my friends were emphatic and sincere, 'you HAVE to vote!' they pleaded with me, 'the fate of the world depends upon it!'. i spent more time than i wanted to trying to point out the obvious deceit, but it was all in vain. even my smartest friends did not want to think it was anything but real- and within their control.

in the days running up to the election, things got so crazy that one of the 'puppet masters' accidentally 'dropped the curtain' just long enough to reveal that bush and obama were actually on the same side. people went MAD. my friends were incredulous and kept saying, 'i can't believe it, i can't believe it...'. i spent days watching people rage. when they confronted me about my cool demeanor, i reminded them that i'd tried to tell them from the beginning that it was only theater.

Friday, March 14, 2014

over it... tomorrow


i was sick of everybody's shit. i didn't understand why i was standing on the sound stage again when i'd decided the night before to simply leave. was i here to get my stuff? i kept wondering how did i let myself even walk back in the bay doors. the actresses were snotty and impatient, the producers were unappreciative and didactic and not one of them could actually see what i was bringing to the table. even though there was a mountain of money in the budget, the whole production felt like a third rate disaster and i was angry that i hadn't seen any clues beforehand that i would be in a situation where i wasn't valued. as i turned on my heel toward the door, one of the women in the department grabbed my sleeve and pleaded with me, 'please...oh god please stay. i can't do this alone!' 'no,' i said, 'i'm leaving.'. she answered me with an open-mouth expression that was so utterly lost and desperate that i (in spite of my resistance...) could not help but soften and see myself standing in her shoes. i allowed myself be led back in.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

tracy morgan


we found the child lying beneath a heavy fascia that had been laid over the back of a sofa. as we uncovered her, her body remained perfectly still but the the look in her eyes was wild fear. she didn't know me but the instant she recognized that i was not her assailant she made her way into my arms and wrapped her arms so tightly around my neck that it was difficult for me to speak. 'is your mother still alive?' i whispered. she held her eyes open wide like a person in total darkness and i remember thinking that i couldn't discern the color of her iris's because her pupils were so dilated. she looked into me as though she wanted me to see the images in her head. she nodded yes. 'can you point to where she is?' i asked gently. she blinked slowly, knit her eyebrows for a moment and then said, 'he's coming back with her.' i felt a rush of adrenaline and instinctively jerked my head around to check the room for my own safety, 'when?' i asked. 'maybe now.' she said softly. i pulled at her arms and said, 'you're too big for me to carry and we have to move fast' she resisted and clung to my neck with the strength of a chimpanzee. 'listen,' i said as i looked into her huge black eyes, 'you can hold my hand as tight as you want, but you have to use your own feet.' she loosened her grip and slid down my body until she stood solidly on the floor. her little hand gripped my own like a vice. we began to move like wind toward the back of the space to find an exit that would not run us into danger. headlights wiped just above our heads across the wall we were running toward and we all froze for a moment. 'now!' i whispered as i pointed to the back door and placed the hand of the girl into the palm of my fellow rescuer. they both slipped out to safety and i hid behind a stack of boxes. within moments the front door opened and tracy morgan shoved the girls mother in before him with enough force that she almost lost her footing. i saw the woman look at the fascia. tracy morgan saw it too. 'that little bitch ain't goin' NOWHERE!' he yelled as he grabbed the woman's hair and yanked her to her knees. the man tossed his keys near my hiding spot, stumbled and began talking to himself. i realized he was under the influence of something and would be able to use that to my advantage. 'DON'T YOU MOVE!' he ordered the woman as he walked toward the large screen tv. 'WHY ARE YOU SITTING THERE? GET ME SOME MOTHER FUCKING BEER!' he screamed and then he plopped down into an ugly brown pleather recliner. as the woman made her way to the refrigerator i caught her eye and motioned for her to come with me. she shook her head no and mouthed, 'my baby' as she pointed to the couch. i wagged my finger 'no' in response and mouthed, 'i have her, she's safe'. the woman sprang toward me, i grabbed the man's keys and we both flew out of the heavy steel door. as the woman ran down the driveway to safety i locked the double dead bolt and opened the valve on the industrial size hose-bib that emptied into the warehouse. by the time i made it to the driveway tracy morgan was already knee deep in water. he was laughing maniacally, screaming threats and kicking through the water looking for his keys. 'OK THAT'S FINE!' he screamed at the blackness outside of the wire-impregnated windows, 'I CAN SWIM, BUT YOUR BABY'S GONNA DROWN UNLESS YOU GET YOUR ASS BACK IN!'. he sat back into the recliner with a splash and a big false grin on his face as the tv shorted out and the water rose around him. i walked to the front of the warehouse and stood just outside the light-fall from the windows. i thought about how he would soon be paddling like a dog just to stay alive. i walked slowly away into the darkness.


Tuesday, March 11, 2014

russian soldier girl


the snow was deep and hard. they sky was grey but everything was flooded in the reflected light bouncing off the dirty snow banks so it seemed very bright. i could see my breath every time i exhaled and even though i was wearing standard issue grey military mittens, my hands were freezing. it did not help matters that i had to hold my rifle (which may as well have been a giant icicle) across my chest 'at the ready'. it also didn't help that i was in a skirt. my company and i were at the nearly empty train station (in the middle of nowhere...) for a show of force, but for some reason all the soldiers had been ordered to wear their 'dress gear' (the impractical uniforms we wore when we were paraded in front of putin on state occasions) and for the women, that meant long o.d. green wool skirts with (thankfully) army boots. my male comrades laughed at my sorrows and i thought about how good it would feel to give each one a sharp poke in the eye. i was also tired of speaking and hearing russian. all of the knots i had to make with back of my tongue just to get out simple phrases was wearing on me. my tongue and my ears ached for even a few words of  plain, mid-western english. i decided not to talk for awhile and stand out of direct earshot of my fellow soldiers to give my ears a rest. just beyond the platform, a little furry winter squirrel poked around the snow looking for his lunch. i reached into my pocket and pulled out a nut and tossed it to him. he sat up and took notice of me for the first time. i said, 'go on...' very softly in english. he immediately took my suggestion and bounced up to the nut. after he finished eating it, i reached into my pocket and tossed him another- this time a bit closer. soon he was sitting directly at my feet munching contentedly. now the other soldiers noticed and loudly clomped over to my end of the platform to marvel at the little guy. they began digging through their empty  pockets to find anything that might tempt the squirrel nearer to them. 'make him take it from your fingers!' they yelled out to me. without looking at them, i dropped another nut at my feet. one of the soldiers snatched it up and gingerly held it out for the squirrel. the squirrel sat up, looked at the spot near my boot where the nut had been only a moment before and then made two hops over to the soldier holding the nut. as the squirrel reached up for the nut, the soldier pulled it just out of his reach until the squirrel was stretched on his tippy toes and grabbing for his fingers. the other soldiers were laughing and calling out approval. when the soldier looked up to share a wide grin with his friends, the squirrel grabbed his index finger and bit clean through the tip popping it like a grape. the soldier screamed and dropped the nut. the squirrel grabbed the fallen nut and whooshed away at lightning speed. as my fellow soldiers fell into a panic and tried to figure out what to do, i casually sauntered to the other end of the platform. i felt my frozen lips curl into a little smile and thought, 'that's why you don't feed squirrels with your fingers...'

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

leo dicaprio


leo dicaprio kept trying to trim my trees. i repeatedly told him that i'd just had them done and anyway, it was too late now even if i hadn't as spring was here and the trees were no longer dormant. he kept smiling and saying, 'look, i just got this new chainsaw! it works so great and it's so shiny! i just did my whole yard and i feel like i could go on forever... c'mon, let me help you.' i looked over at his yard and saw all the budded branches laying forlornly on the ground and his sad, naked trees looking injured and vulnerable. 'yeah, no.' i said. he then switched tactics and tried to invite me over for lunch, but i knew he would try and sneak out and trim my trees while we were eating. i waved him off and even as i walked back into my house i could hear him say, 'c'mon! it will look so good! please let me do it!'

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

'stove'


we were done with the job and done with the city. we had all worked so hard and even though we loved each other and had spent part of every day laughing to the point of tears, we were all exhausted and ready to sleep in our own beds. of course the airport 'experience' was a dystopian nightmare; invasive searches, personal questions, endless lines- but we endured it all without complaint because it meant that we were going to be home soon. one by one we inched through the process. one by one we climbed onto the plane and found our seats. when my turn came to snake through the isle and settle in, i was pleased to see that i had the good fortune to land a spot with extra leg room and no immediate neighbors. i shoved my bag overhead and settled in. my friends were laughing and teasing each other and even accompanied by the sterile whir of the planes' basic systems, i found the sound of it homey. i smiled to myself as i dug through my purse. suddenly myriam and malin were kneeling over the seats in front of me with worried faces and said  'they stopped steve!'. 'why?' i asked not quite believing it could even be true. 'on his paperwork his name is spelled stove!' i laughed with a hard edge and said surely 'they' couldn't be THAT stupid. the three of us backed-tracked out of the plane until we saw poor steve trying to explain the obvious silliness of the error to an 'agent' who indeed looked dim enough not to understand the simple typo. when it became apparent that the issue would not be quickly resolved, we spread the word among our crew members and all of us grabbed our things and left the plane standing nearly empty. steve tried to protest as he saw us exiting the plane and encouraged us all to go on without him, but he was close to tears (and our friend...) and not one of us wanted to leave him there alone. immediately 200 of us flooded our company with detailed calls and soon an army of interns 2000 miles away were waking up their bosses- who in turn generated angry calls (filled with hard numbers and threats to take the companies business to a different airline) to the officials at the airport. within minutes an 'official' walked up to us and said. 'okay, so this looks like a simple mistake. as soon as we log in the complaints and get them okay'd by our chain of supervisors, steve is free to board.' we all sighed in relief. 'great! how long will that be?' i asked. 'oh, give or take, about 6 hours.' he said. he also made it clear that any 'interference' from us would elongate that estimate significantly. we looked at each other with narrowed eyes and told steve we were going to go out and have dinner, bring back a doggie bag for him and would return to board WITH him. he looked at us all with total love and gratitude and managed a weak little smile.

as we were slowly rolling our carry-ons down the sidewalk we looked like a small, tired cavalcade of expats. myriam and malin started to tease me but i couldn't really hear what they were saying over the sound of all the wheels rolling on the pavement, but enough of the others did that it started a cascade of laughter. it made me happy again and i started to laugh too just because. soon we found a row of cute little cafes and filled them all one by one. malin, myriam and i got lucky and landed in the very last cafe. it served amazing gourmet pizza and had an excellent wine list. we laughed and laughed, drank until we were tipsy and ordered the most delicious pizza (of the 6 we tried...) to bring back to 'stove'.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

angie and brad


i was working for angie and brad and everything was chaos. they couldn't stick to a plan to save their lives. there were kids everywhere and always a huge list of tasks to manage but no window in which to do it. every day got derailed by countless 'emergencies', but in the end it always wound up being something like spending an hour searching the far corners of the GIANT house for one of the kids shoes, or helping angie find out if disneyland was available for a private party right now (never...) or one of the kids had fallen into something sticky or wet and brad couldn't remember how to throw a child into a bathtub. angie never wanted to leave the house and brad was a (barely) secret pothead who would reluctantly spend hours getting dressed in his finest 'casual wear' and then wander around the house until he finally found me and confessed that he'd forgotten where he was going and what time he had to be there. every day it was like nailing jello to a wall. i was totally reaching my limit with the situation even though on a fundamental level they were sweet and cute as a family. the final straw came when i'd fallen asleep in my usual guest room (another annoying impromptu overnight...) and just as i had slipped into an exhausted R.E.M. state, angie flipped on the lights and announced that she had brought me a visitor and would i mind terribly sharing my room with her so she wouldn't be lonely? 'WHAT?! DON"T YOU HAVE 700 EMPTY BEDROOMS IN THIS PLACE?! OMFG- TAKE IT!!', i snapped. i pulled the sheets around me, grabbed my clothes and purse and phone and went to go find one of the day beds in the library (a favorite hangout of the uncountable number of sweet, doofy and impeccably groomed dogs that roamed the house). the dogs made space for me without having to ask why i'd chosen to sleep with them (dogs are good like that...). within two minutes they were all sighing and snuggling in and starting to snore again. it was comforting. i quickly fell asleep.

morning was the sound of angies voice wandering from room to room calling for me. oh god, i thought, i can't do this anymore. when she found me she laughed because i was piled under so many dogs and though my dog friends had tried not to betray my presence, as soon as they saw angie they started thumping their tales and throwing worried looks my way. i squeezed out from under the dog bodies (it had been cozy) and said to angie, ' i can't do this anymore, i'm finished.' she then went on to explain her viewpoint that my thinking was wrong and i could take it and besides tomorrow was my birthday and that they had planned something 'over the top' (how, i don't know since they couldn't even tie a shoelace without my help..). 'uh huh...uh huh...yep....NO. i'm done.' i said. i said goodbye to people and children on my way out (no hard feelings) and when i passed by the kitchen i saw an indigenous couple preparing dozens and dozens of unappetizing flat-breads (presumably for my birthday fest).

i got into my car and as i drove down the long driveway i heard angie say to brad, 'shandra's gone! ' brad made a 'phffft' sound and said 'no she's not!' I rolled down my windows and decided to take the beach home. i felt happy.

also, tomorrow was not my birthday.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

paper dolls


i had just finished the last weld on my copper 'paper doll' cookie cutters and looked over at the box containing all the cookie cutters i had already completed for the 'outfits'. i felt so happy. i placed the final  cutter beside the others, took off my welding mask and gloves, wiped my hands and walked around my kitchen in a zen state as i gathered the ingredients i needed to make the dough. soon i was measuring, mixing and finally rolling out my edible medium. as i pressed the first 'paper doll' into the dough i felt a satisfying resistance as the thin edges of the mold cut into the precisely rolled surface and the details i had welded inside (facial features, hair, typically modest 1940's bra and panties) filled the voids within. when i felt the surface of the table flat under the cutter i changed my grip and carefully lifted the form from the dough. i held my breath and leaned forward to peek under as though the force of my will alone could make the impression perfect- and it was! soon i had baking sheets full of dolls and outfits lined up to go into the oven. one by one as each sheet came out and the cookies carefully made their way to the cooling racks, i marveled at their perfection and overall adorableness. after the last of the cookies had baked, i mixed a beautiful palette of vintage icing colors. i piped the outlines, floated the colors inside and then detailed everything until it was just on the tipping point of being too much. after they'd dried, i started to 'dress' the dolls and it. didn't. work. the only way it looked like a dressed cookie paper doll is if you stood directly above the cookies and moved the light so there was no shadow that drew your eye to depth of field- otherwise it was just stacked cookies. (too MUCH cookie...). i felt frustrated that i hadn't factored that obvious result into my plans. i decided to sell them anyway and put them into the case next to each other. people went crazy. they sold like hotcakes. i never let on that it was a mistake.