judy

judy was 75 years old, slender, immaculately groomed and coiffed, gentle and insightful and had been my therapist for the better part of two years. she had helped me immeasurably in many areas of my life and now that simon had moved out i felt ready to try life on my own again. we'd spent weeks gearing up for our last session and as i opened the door to her home office, i felt happy and whole- absolutely ready to be finished with anything that resembled a loose end. judy greeted me with her usual warmth, but there was also something else; a nervous fluffing of pillows, unnecessarily straightening of various objects, micro expressions of worry that betrayed her smile. i said 'judy, what's going on?'. she took both my hands, looked into my eyes, took a deep breath to steady herself and answered, 'i want to be with simon.' i was sure i hadn't heard her correctly. 'what?' i whispered. 'you're finished with him and i just thought, well, i thought he might be perfect for me.' the grey matter in my cranium started to crackle and it sounded just like the clicking of an ascending roller coaster car. my thoughts became a swirl of every human moment i'd experienced for the last few years and i gripped her hands tighter to ground myself. i thought, 'oh, this is LIFE again. there are no rules about how it unfolds and no matter what happens, it's nothing personal.' i started to laugh. i thought about my fragile human need to keep order and 'make sense' of every event. i thought about dear judy, so lonely and so intrinsically good. i thought about simon who was simply drifting in space and how she could 'anchor' him. 'does he know?' i wondered aloud. 'no! i wanted to ask you first.!' i immediately went into strategic mode and mapped out the feasibility of simon accepting an intimate place in judy's life. i knew her years would become invisible to him once he saw her as a person and i knew from experience how compassionate and helpful she could be. 'ok,' i said, 'i'm sure i can convince him to be open to it.' judy and i quickly switched into 'girlfriend mode' and began to chatter about the possibilities. we were laughing and she said she'd had a wonderful spa date with mia and wanted me to come next time. i felt excited and happy.