i was carole lombard

i was carole lombard, my husband was william powell and i was in a loveless marriage. it was 1939 and everything was beautiful except my married life. i was his second wife and william had two mid teen daughters and two adolescent sons by his deceased wife. his daughters saw my pain and were constantly fretting over me and encouraging me to leave their father. his sons were wholly attached to my husband and in every way were small, boring versions of him. their humor, mannerisms and endless, loud bantering was driving me insane in triplicate. they never spoke to me (only of me) and i didn't exist to them as mother figure at all. i in turn felt no real attachment to them and knew they would be fine without me. I had spoken to william countless times about my unhappiness, but he dismissed it all because he was happy and that was (he decided...) the truth of our marriage. eventually i lived my life as a mute prisoner (divorce was not common or easy at that time). we lived and traveled in highest fashion of the day as william was wealthy and i was dragged along by an invisible chain of obligation. in all the press photos we appeared to be a happy family but i never smiled.

we were on a train in a private rail car, i excused myself for air. i stood on the small vestibule at the end of the car and shut the door behind me. i pulled the cool night air deeply into my lungs and watched as the front of the train formed a wide arc in front of me. in the gathering dusk i could see we were passing over a long, low bridge above a still, inky river. impulsively i jumped over the railing and held on for just a moment before i let go. as i fell into the darkness i saw williams panicked face above me growing smaller and smaller and heard his cry, 'NOOOOOOO!'. i felt free and smiled for the first time in years.

i hit the water with a mighty whoosh and was soon clawing for air. my lungs were burning by the time i broke the surface but the smile on my face was so wide i felt like the corners of my mouth were touching my ears. i dragged myself to the shore and removed what clothing i could because it was so heavy. i stood there for a moment and watched the train recede into the darkness. i took off my soggy shoes and and carried them in my hands as i headed for the tiny twinkling lights of a town i saw in the distance. by the time i reached the first little shop, william had already sent word of my disappearance and men were being recruited to search for me or my remains. i took the shop lady into my confidence and she hid me behind some beautiful brocade screens just before her door burst open with the 'news'. 

i sat very still in my damp clothing and marveled at the simple beauty of the items near me. i remember thinking that the 1940's would be absolutely wonderful.