flying

i had trained to be a flight attendant though i had no idea why. the phone rang me out of a deep sleep one morning and i heard 'this is your maiden voyage! today is your first day! be at the terminal in an hour!' my mind was still jumbled from being yanked awake and i wasn't even sure whether or not i had dreamed the call. i ran around my quarters getting ready- hopping into my shoes, brushing my teeth, whipping my hair up into the regulation weird swirl and just trying to focus enough to remember everything. it was only when i was boarding the plane that i looked down at my feet and saw i had on two different shoes.i frantically checked my little black cross body bag and realized i didn't have my phone either- which was an actual disaster since i was flying across the world. as i passed through the hatch i was handed my duty roster by one of the other stewards. i saw arleen's name on the crew list but not mine. i decided the first thing i would do was find her, but as i looked up from the paper i realized the plane was freaking HUGE and she could be anywhere.

i started to hear my name being called and looked around and was surprised to find some of my friends. i pointed out my shoes and we all laughed. howard said, 'my god, your dress!' i already knew it was awful, but i instinctively looked around to catch my reflection in something and reaffirmed the strange, puffy sleeves and pink/brown/green woven pattern and said, 'jesus, i look like i'm wearing imelda marcos' sofa cover!' we laughed again. one of the flight attendants passed by and gave me the stank eye so i told my friends i had to go do my job. they all asked why i was working and i said i had absolutely no idea but i thought it might be for research.

paper in hand, i moved through the plane trying to find arleen. i observed that there were several different uniform styles that seemed to coordinate with specific areas of the plane. great! i'll just find the imelda marcos sofa section and i can figure it out from there! i walked and walked, but nothing. i spotted a napkin that matched my awful dress and got excited that i was closing in, but it was a false alarm. i picked up the napkin anyway and held it in front of me like a ticket as i wandered aimlessly through the plane. i was really getting sick of looking for my station, so when i heard paul's voice say, 'hey, lady, take a load off and share a cocktail with me!' i did. we joked about my uniform and my shoe mistake, caught up on some personal stuff and then i started to feel guilty. i took another quick sip of my martini and left paul to continue on my mission.

eventually i just gave up wandering and started to do flight attendant 'things' in the wrong area- but really, it wasn't helpful because i didn't actually care (or even know what flight attendants do...) and since people were hopping in and out of jacuzzi's on the floor i chose, i was only moving clean towels from one spot to another. finally i said to another flight attendant, 'this job is meaningless. i can't do it.' she looked at me like i was crazy and said, '5 grand for two hours of work, you must be loaded to turn that away.' i stared back at her with my mouth open as i did the math in my head; over two million a year!? god, i could finish my book in costa rica and live like a queen. i decided to double down and at least look like i was working.

fast forward and i was still useless. my friends kept finding me and making me laugh and i was directing passengers to wrong areas etc. when the plane landed i left with my friends to find a great restaurant and laugh some more.