alfred hitchcock

alfred hitchcock was explaining the finer details of horror versus suspense. all of the points he made were fascinating. we were finishing up our cocktails and starting to say our goodbyes when he asked me if i'd like to engage in real life suspense. he said there would be no actual danger, but it would be very complex and possibly last longer than i thought. oh yes, and i would have to become an undercover police officer. i said yes.

fast forward to me walking up the stairs of a montecito mansion. i was dressed like Eva Marie Saint in North by Northwest. the climb included the chirping of cheerful birds and a light hearted underscore. my future 'husband' opened the door before i could knock. he was beaming. he looked like the tall, thin, less attractive older brother of james stewart. i knew everything about him; he was fabulously wealthy and seemed to have a habit of 'misplacing' most of his wives shortly after he'd become infatuated with his latest secretary. i was to be number five. his soon to be 'doomed' wife had no idea i was actually there to rescue her and reacted to my arrival with wringing hands and a furrowed brow. she hovered on the periphery, but said nothing to me.

soon my 'suitor' was openly courting me with all manner of limitless shopping trips (part of the deal i had with the police was that i would get to keep whatever he gave me after the case was finished- so i shopped greedily and with total enthusiasm). we chatted and flirted over long, expensive lunches and dinners at all the best places in town. when we finally 'consummated' our affair, it was with a 1950's closed mouth 'lip press' (he found it wildly thrilling, i could do it without feeling sordid).

i knew things were heating up when he became openly intolerant of his wife and spoke to her sharply even in front of me. i already had more than the mother load from all my shopping and i made the mistake of trying to wrap things up and move things along too quickly. he came home one afternoon and i presented him with our new born triplets. he feigned delight, but i guess even in a 1950's film, the man gets suspicious if you've only ever lip-pressed and then try to pass off baby swans as his offspring. (lulz... my brain) he petted the swans, held up the boy and said, 'my 1st son!', but i could see hatred in his eyes. i pretended not to notice. the wife though saw her opportunity to survive and renewed her allegiance to him by also turning against me. i did not see that.

before i knew it, the three of us were sailing in black water on a blustering and stormy night. i thought, 'oh this is where he tries to kill her' and almost at that same moment he capsized the boat and all three of us were in the water. each of us was sitting in our own inflatable and all three were loosely connected by cord. he then turned to me and said, 'here's the part where you sink to the bottom of the sea...' and he began to lunge at my raft with a knife but the waves were too high and strong for him to come anywhere near me. i started to laugh and pulled out a 2 liter bottle with location devices hidden inside. i twisted the cap to activate it and threw it in the water. a screen came to life in a hovering police helicopter and pinpointed my location exactly. help was on the way.

i was still laughing when i said, 'darling, you are under arrest!' as the wash from the blades of the chopper blew up the water around us.