faux synopsis

i was handed a synopsis of the project, but it was weird because as i looked it over i realized there were lines of dialog scattered throughout. the office was dark and cool with creamy terrazzo floors and large potted palms in every available space. it seemed more like a lobby in an exclusive tropical hotel than the headquarters for a studio in the middle of a metropolis. i hadn't brought anyone with me to go over legal points or negotiate for me because i thought i was just there for a meet and greet and to pick up a script. the executives and their assistants were animated and fawning, it was awkward. i was glad i had dressed in my favorite outfit because it was chic and expensive and i knew they understood it said something about how close they could hover. i picked up my phone to call my agent and heard a commotion at the door. it was madonna and her entourage. suddenly it seemed that every door was erupting with a movie star and her entourage. what the hell is going on? i thought. the executives and their assistants started saying things like, 'oh, they look SO amazing when you see them all together!' and 'this is going to be GREAT!!' madonna and the other female stars headed almost directly to a studio area where mics were set up across a stage for a live read through. wait. what?! were they looking at the same pages i was? how could they even find their lines?! at first i let myself be herded to the stage, i looked frantically at the other talent for some cue or recognition point that i had missed- but they were all icy and avoided eyed contact with me. it was obvious that they were all familiar with the material and had essentially memorized it already. we did one dry little read through and it was a wreck. i couldn't even find my lines. i was just about to slide into a meltdown when i stood up, tossed the pages to a nearby executive and said, 'this is not a script. i'm not pulling this out of my ass.' i grabbed my bag and started toward the elevator. i was intercepted by all the other actresses who were now warm and sharing, 'oh please don't leave!' and 'look, my pages are clear!'. i thought to myself, gee i guess these cunts really need the work because they are now actually being generous with me.

i ran over the piece with the women a few times until the pacing was right and then i agreed to go live. it turned out great.