broken instincts

we were about to go on tour but our piano player flaked so we were desperately trying to replace him. we were on our 3rd day of sub-par disasters when in walked a tall, beautiful and calm man. he sat down at the keyboard, looked directly at me and said, 'i know everything you've ever written by heart, you and i stand in the same place musically.' he then began to play the most lush, beautiful, soulful piano i had ever heard. the band came in after several bars and it was as though we had all been playing together forever. of course he got the gig.

as the tour progressed, he and i became closer. i thought, 'well, i guess i get to have one more great love in my life...' and i was happy just to let it unfold. we went from city to city all over the world- every show was better than the last and it was truly magical.

aside from our core crew, there was a revolving door of people who helped on the tour depending upon our location, but about 1/2 way through i began to notice the frequent presence of a slightly built, fey hipster. i was too busy to pay much attention, but one day i was walking down a hallway in a venue and i saw him making out with 'my' piano player. i backed out quietly and thought, 'wow, you just never know until you know...'. i stayed friendly with him but was careful to never be alone with him after that. about 2 weeks passed and i heard someone pounding out 1970's pop glam rock on a piano. i followed the sound and soon stood in the shadows watching my former lover give a passionate performance of the bombastic but vapid piece to his boyfriend. it was clear that this was the music that totally inspired him. i was blown away. i could not understand how my radar had been so off about this guy. on a personal level, i had been wrong before- but my music? never. at that moment he spotted me and jumped from his seat running toward me. i turned and walked away from him saying, 'no worries, it's cool, just be who you are.' he was pleading with me, 'no, don't you understand? i want to marry you!' i could not even respond it was so crazy. i just laughed and shook my head as i held up my hand for him to keep his distance.

we finished the tour to standing ovations, but for me there was no satisfaction.